Are there everlasting feelings and what needs to be done for your union to live “happily ever after”
Rules are a necessary category for any science. Without them, as well as without exceptions, we could not learn the native language, comprehend the law of world wideness and find out why the wind can blow out and kindle a hot flame. Are there rules in … love? After all, she, as Pushkin’s hero Eugene Onegin noted , can be considered “the science of passion affectionate”. Are they needed where emotions have always dominated, and the mind is silent? What rules should be followed and which ones should be forgotten forever? And are they able to extend the age of our romantic alliances? We are trying to figure it out.
We only hear: “Eternal love, we were faithful to her …”, “Love lives for three years!” – these and other statements on one of the most important social topics are not silenced today. It may seem a little naive and even silly to talk about the ideal long-term love relationships in our age, when conventions and prohibitions are forgotten, and the so-called one-night visit is not considered to be something terrifying. But scientists who tried to get the chemical formula of love in their time brought us the good news – it is eternal! Now it remains to understand how to make your union become exactly the kind that can be said about “and they lived happily ever after.”
Every time we enter the charming romantic time of bouquets, chocolates and, of course, rose-colored glasses, we hope that this time is the same one, and this partner is the companion of all life. It has its own laws and rules that subsequently create a lot of problems for us. The main “bad advice” that we absorb with mother’s milk – show yourself from the best side. It would seem that the bad thing is to demonstrate to your potential lover your strengths? Many, unfortunately, do not see the difference between surprising a partner with their attractive character traits, and frank play of relatively good things. You do not like to cook, but say that you adore, you are a vegan in principle, but keep silent about it, you do not plan to have children, but pretend that you did not hear the question. Do you understand where this path will lead you? And if you,
There is such a thing as frustration of the sixth month. It is at the end of the first six months of the relationship that people begin to drop their masks, tired of appearing to be who they are not. And now, from the docile housewife, the impudent party girl is torn, and from the hard-working homebody – the frivolous smoothie. Of course, you (and your partner, if you also played this game with a change of faces) are shocked: where is the one who sat in front of you at an exquisite dessert and talked about postmodernists? A feeling of disappointment, a feeling that you have been deceived, a misunderstanding of what’s next – a huge percentage of couples encounter this in their first year of relationship. An even more terrifying prospect is that many remain in such alliances, continuing to betray their nature and deceive (you cannot say otherwise) to their partner.
What to do to not fall into this very familiar trap? The rule of obscurantism sounds simple: be yourself. To say, of course, is much easier than done, which is why we introduce clear instructions. Do not lie about anything, even in small things and quite a bit. Do not embellish and do not yulite. If you do not want to answer the direct question, say so. Do not pretend that you are in solidarity with the person to like him. If his views and attitudes unpleasantly surprised you already on the first date, it is unlikely that something will change later. Love to argue – argue, love wine – order wine, not water. Doubt whether it is worth talking on serious topics on the first date? You will always have the opportunity to discuss everything in the second, but time in our age is the most valuable resource, so why spend it on Chinese ceremonies?
Many are so accustomed to wearing a mask, afraid to show themselves to the present, that they cannot cope with the rule of being themselves. If you are one of those, think and imagine what will happen if you appear before a new acquaintance as you are. Do not believe it, but the most “terrible” outcome – you just will not see this person anymore. The trouble is not it?
Separately, I would like to mention such an important event as meeting with the parents and friends of the chosen one. Here the rule is exactly the same. Do not try to seem like a good girl or good girl. Be extremely polite version of yourself – and everything will turn out.
And in sorrow and in joy
The initial period of the relationship is important, laying the foundation of your union, but even if it happened that after six months of falling in love it turned out that you are a stranger next to you, everything can be corrected. First of all, try to get to know this stranger closer. Look at him, listen, think about his words, understand his real desires and principles. It is possible that you are lucky, and after the masks are dropped, the one who is absolutely satisfied with you will be in front of you. In this case, you two will have a great chance to be together. Imagine that you have a time machine, play on the first date, but according to the rules told above – try to be yourself and only yourself.
If time put everything in its place and next to you, you saw not “the very one”, but an unpleasant person, you should not cling to the status of “in relationship” and regret the lost months. The sooner you get out of this union, the more health (both mental and physical) you save.
So, you are together, the first passions have subsided, but the joint life has not had time to lay a burden on your shoulders. You are a stable couple in love who has years and years ahead. So that they are light, joyful – those that I want to repeat, for which it is not insulting and not painful, you will have to work. Even if you and your partner coincided, as the two halves of one whole, it does not mean that your coincidence guarantees you a life in style long and happily without much effort.
Strictly speaking, there are very few universal rules for millions of different pairs, but they exist. And the first is trust. It is not only about confidence that your partner will not change you. In the end, some couples deny the importance of physical treason, live in open marriages and still be happy. Trust in a partner – the confidence that he will be near during the most difficult and important moments of your life, will be on your side, act in your joint interests. Forget about saying, trust, but verify. Checks, tests, provocations – a proven reason to ruin the most gentle and stable relationship. Follow the rule “Do not be caught – not a thief”. Live as if next to you is your most reliable and devoted ally, because if you were right in the initial phase of the relationship, then it is. Love begets love, and the same can be said about trust.
The second universal rule comes from the first. Discuss all problems, conflicts, and issues regarding your union with each other. You – reliable rear for each other, and you should not make family difficulties on the agenda when you are going with a girlfriend at a bachelorette party. Of course, sweet talk about wives or secrets about husbands is an eternal genre of gathering with close friends, but you should not reveal secrets about each other, complain or scold your half. The fact that you are holding back in the presence of friends is a sign of respect and well-established contact between you and your spouse. After all, if you can discuss all the sick issues and issues with a partner, why do this with someone else?
Borders and their strict observance are also a “daughter” of trust. No matter how you love each other, no matter how your souls merge into one, remember that you and your chosen one are different people who were not destined to each other, but who made a conscious choice to be together. And you can make the same informed choice about parting. What will you do after the break? To preserve oneself, to stand guard over one’s interests and principles — without the love of oneself, as we remember, love of one’s neighbor is impossible.
It is simply necessary to remember your own interests, but without compromise in the relationship anywhere. Determine for yourself the fundamental and unprincipled moments concerning your life. It does not twist the lid of toothpaste – is it important, does it undermine your life principles and faith in humanity? Or this little flaw does not deserve your attention? The art of compromise is important to distinguish from defeatism, from pathological patience, where it is not needed, from the inability to stand up for oneself. Only when you simultaneously meet each other, is it possible to preserve and multiply what exists between you.
The rule concerning quarrels is simple and clear – when you are in the heat of conflict you want to hurt your partner more painfully, pull yourself up and remember that you are on one side, that before you is not an enemy, but a loved one with whom you simply argue about important things. The clash will pass, but the words spoken in a fit of anger can be remembered for a long time and spoil the atmosphere of your union.
One of the most important rules is to invest yourself in your family. We always support a healthy egoism, but we urge you to remember about a common cause that cannot exist without your participation.
I left her right
Eternal love exists – it is a fact proven by psychologists. In our brain there are areas that can stimulate falling in love with the same person over the years. This means that you can re-open a partner, and no three years, during which the fire of passion supposedly dies out, are not terrible to you. But it happens that human paths diverge. In our society, divorce is no longer considered shameful for a woman. And it is beautiful! We do not have to preserve a sick relationship for the sake of the fact, and are free to make a choice. It seems that only in such conditions the appearance of couples is possible, which will be together until old age – voluntarily, because this is their mutual desire, and not the pressure of external circumstances.
But back to the situation where love passes, interests and desires change, and you understand that your union is on the verge of collapse. To preserve the human face, health and stay in normal relations with a partner, you must also adhere to some rules. Be honest and decisive. Pull with parting because of pity is impossible – in the end, few like when they feel sorry for them instead of love. You should not try to hurt your chosen one, to speak at the end of offensive words, to talk about offenses. Now it does not matter, and the time for talking is gone. Be kind and discreet.
Love, happiness to be near – this is the result not so much of a successful set of circumstances, as the work, work on yourself and relationships. Trite, but how true! Simple truths – about sympathy, about trust, about personal boundaries – this is the secret that helps the emergence and strengthening of eternal strong feelings.
How to quarrel
Conflicts are part of a relationship that you should not get used to, but you need to be ready for it. They can become a kind of growth point, but only if you know how to quarrel properly.
So: communicate I-messaging. At the time of conflict, talk exclusively about your feelings and experiences, starting sentences with the words “I think …”, “I feel …”, “It seems to me …” So you will broadcast your perception of the situation to your partner, and the statements and accusations will be lost.
Change “You offended me” to “I was very offended when I saw that you …” – a person who hears the second version of the phrase does not feel aggression. Do not get personal, do not play the game “And you …”
Are there everlasting feelings and what needs to be done for your union to live “happily ever after”